When Keeping the Faith Isn’t Enough

Two songs have been stuck in my head “It’s The End Of The World” a 1987 beauty by R.E.M and ‘Thy Will” by Hillary Scott and Family. That is how not well our Dr. appointment went yesterday and these two songs are on repeat.

The Dr. saw zero, ZERO follicles in my ovary yesterday. When you are trying to make a baby and are doing stimulation medications. This is NOT what you want to hear. So begin singing… “It’s The End Of The World”. “I am not sure where they went- there were four when we started this. I spent the last four days praying non-stop and just keeping the Faith. God would come through for me. Turns out, he has other plans. “Thy Will” be done.

This was the most aggressive protocol and by body didn’t respond. My estradiol was low and my lining was so thin, they said I must not be producing progesterone either. While it was not my actual Dr. but another Dr. in the clinic, he said he would suggest us not doing IVF again because we are likely to get the same results. I was crushed. Slowly, as he was talking- the wave of knowledge that I would never have a biological child washed over me. I tried and I tried not to cry.. I just wanted out of there. My poor hubby just wanted to hug me and I didn’t want him to touch me. I wanted to keep it together so I could walk out of the Dr.’s office. I managed to make it out the door and the flood gates opened.

To say yesterday was an emotional day is the understatement of the year. We had a 2 hour drive back home after my appointment and I bawled. I would babble some nonsense to my hubby and then cry some more. I feel terrible for him, there isn’t anything he could say or do to comfort me. He would reach over and grab my hand and give it a squeeze.  Poor guy. I just needed to grieve. What a loss and just when you are thinking ok, we made the leap to IVF. We are finally going to make a baby. When WHAM! That door closed so, so quickly.

So not really sure what our plans are going forward. I need some time and space to process. Egg donation, adoption or nothing at all… these are the choices we have to make. I am meeting with my Dr. in the morning to talk about what went wrong and what are our options are from her perspective.

I will keep you all updated. The Dream of Mom to Be is very much alive. Just need to figure out how to make my dream come true. If there is a will, there is a way.

Here is my emotional post about our appointment yesterday. https://youtu.be/OrExnrjEtzg

Until Next Time….. be kind to one another.

XO,

Natalie

 

 

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